What's in a number?

192

There's a number for you. But what is it? A number on it's own like that may not signify much. 

Let's try again: 

192.0 

A decimal at the end- a little more specific. Are we talking temperature here or what? 

Now what about this?

192.0 lbs

Very clear. And very scary because this was the number staring at me this morning on my bathroom scale. {Did I really just announce my weight?!} 

192 suddenly means a lot. It means after 2 years I still have a lot of baby weight to lose. It means that I still have a ways to go before it would be a good idea to get pregnant again. It means failure because here's a secret- I lost about 18 lbs since December and got down to 178. It's not hard to figure out that in the last month or so I have managed to gain back 14 lbs!! Eek! It also means clothes are tighter, my self-esteem is lower, and I am less healthy. So far nothing here seems good. 

I may need to pause here and throw out a few more numbers for consideration:

150- my weight through most of high school etc

178- the weight I was when I met my husband

155- my weight when I got married (this is my body's "happy weight" if you will...it's where I feel best and healthy and it is not too thin as to not be maintainable)

177- the weight I was when I got pregnant 

231- the weight I was the day I gave birth

Obviously weight fluctuation is something I have dealt with over the years...and I don't know if anyone else can sympathize, but I'm sick of it. Sick of it being a focus and being something I have to constantly work on. So here I sit right now. 192.0 lbs. And fed up. But what if 192 meant something else?

What if 192 meant a wake up call and a fresh start? What if it meant an opportunity to succeed in getting healthier? What if, instead of looking at the 

37 lbs I want to lose as impossible hurdles to jump over, I viewed them as 37 chances to celebrate? To be victorious? To be motivated? What if, instead of looking at my recent weight gain as a complete failure, I cut myself some slack and just start over without all the self-comdemnation? We're human, people! It is normal to backslide sometimes even when it is frustrating. 

What if 192 meant getting over myself by telling the world:

 "I'M 192 LBS AND I AM GOING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!" 

Is there shame in that statement? Maybe a little in the number but certainly not in the statement over all. What if we all carried our weight number around as a badge instead of a shameful secret? What if we women were not afraid to say "That's right; I weigh (your number here) lbs, I am unhappy with my weight, and I have a chance to change that!" 

Now, I realize not all women have the same weight issue as I do. Some of you wish you could GAIN weight. (Seems like a dream for us who can't seem to shift ours, but difficult for those of you that are living that.) Some of you don't have this struggle at all! You are a great weight for your body type and height and are in wonderful health. I have two things to say to you: First- keep it up! Second- help those who do struggle. Please don't treat a perfect body or superior fitness over someone else as a chance to boast or tease. Use it as a platform to encourage. You obviously have your act together and that's something a lot of us don't have. Know of an awesome beginner work out? Think you could help someone you see in the gym who looks lost in a sea of equipment where you feel at home? I think a lot of what turns people off to working out or starting to make a change is fear of judgement. Let's as women try not to judge others and try not to let the judgement of others affect us. 

It's Saturday. I plan on weighing in each Saturday and keeping my weight-loss (hopefully!!!) posted here. So here's what I want to know from you if you're feeling brave: 

What do you weigh? 

What do you wish (realistically for your frame) you weighed? 

Are you going to do anything about it? 

Feel free to follow along with me as I do something about it.

Failure & New Beginnings

Planning on blogging everyday? FAIL.

Planning on blogging frequently? FAIL.

Spring brings with it a fresh start. Everything seems new and the weather is changing. There is a need for light and lightness and all that entails. Time to focus on being who I was made to be. There is freedom in allowing yourself to embrace who you were created to be and not letting the world affect that. 

Yesterday was terrible. Why is it that as women something so trivial as a bad hair day can send us into a tailspin and ruin our day? Am I alone here? It all starts with bad hair. Suddenly nothing you put on seems to fit right. It's suddenly impossible to leave the house. I believe it took (at least) 2 hours to finally force myself walk out the door to run errands. And you know what? I was miserable the entire time I was out! I moved slowly and spent all day feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. I ask if I'm alone, but I already know I'm not. After speaking on the phone with a friend about my day a few truths were revealed. 

One: it's all just attack. Yesterday was wasted being self-focused and self-condemning. I was not walking in the righteousness of Jesus. I was allowing attack to kill my witness for the day. The witness that my focus is on Him and that I am content and joyous in that. 

Two: I was putting stock in what the world sees and cares about. Just because society puts such an emphasis on beauty and looks and fashion, does that mean it is the most important thing? Why should I care if people look at me and judge me based on my appearance? I care because I make that an idol in my life. Lord, free me from that!! I have a husband who tells me I am beautiful when I am feeling the least attractive (we're talking moments in sloppy loungewear, dirty hair, no make-up, you get the picture). He loves me and sees me as who I really am. Why do I look for validation elsewhere? WHO CARES?!? (Clearly I do, and most of the world does, too...and it's all twisted.) When you think about it, how much time do you spend dwelling on what women you pass by look like? I feel like most of the thoughts I have when I first see a stranger are positive. Something like, "I love her jacket" or "I wish I had hair like that" are what I tend to notice. Case in point? During my misery yesterday I received three random complements on a necklace I was wearing. My thoughts? I must look so miserable that they felt like they needed to say something nice. How sad! In reality I'm sure they just liked my necklace. We are always our own harshest critic. I could obviously rant about this topic for a long time. What's my point here? You are beautiful, woman! Embrace that. Beautiful for the uniqueness that is you in the physical sense, but also beautiful as a creation of the Most High! I mean, if God took the time to specifically create us as we are, let's not insult Him by belittling His work. 

So what does this mean for me? It means I will be walking forward in my life attempting to focus on who the Lord made me to be. As a confident daughter of the King. I will be mindful with my time and not waste it focusing on junk the world cares about. Spring. New start. 

What does this mean for you?